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“You want some salad?” Julianne asked.“No, I had a bite on the way.”“So?” She asked. “How’d it go?”Julianne cast a look at Dolphie because she wasn’tshowing her usual interest in our affairs. Dolphie hadher head down and was staring at her salad.“It went great,” I told them. “They were very pleased andsaid they were looking forward to the finished product.They’re really happy with our being way ahead ofschedule. I told them that the other two sites might takelonger to finish, but they took it in stride. They’vebeen getting some great results from the work we’ve doneso far. They showed a thirty per cent increase in theircommercial division. I think we may wind up making themrich.”“That’s great,” Julianne said, casting a glance at anunusually silent Dolphie. “You think there’ll be anotherbonus in it?”My wife. Always thinking of the pay off. I told her. Possibly my self-image was incompatible with it. It wasn’t social acceptance I needed, but self-acceptance. I could tell myself I wouldn’t do it, but deep down I knew I would succumb to my dark desires. They made me feel dirty and ashamed, but horny as well.It felt degrading and naughty, yet it fulfilled some need I didn’t know I had, some identity that had been kept secret from myself. This part was very liberating and exciting.Nonetheless, when I took out or answered an ad, I felt adrenalized, even shaking. Why did I force myself to do this? If they responded, I was excited, yet terrified. If they didn’t, I felt disappointed and discouraged, but relieved. If I accepted, I would think about it all day, with a knot in my stomach. Yet, when it came time to meet, I half felt like canceling or bailing out, but did not do so. When we did meet, I was just fine; after all, I had done this before, and enjoyed it, so what’s the big deal?I decided to give it one last try, do everything,.
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